Under (de)Construction

here we go again.

2008-01-11T19:06:33Z

Looks like its been well over a year since I've used my LJ account, and I think it's about time I start writing again.
I've never been that good at keeping a journal, but yesterday my prof reminded our class that writing will often reveal more about the things that are stirring about your brain. So...here we go again...

clerk2 @ 2006-09-01T22:21:00

2006-09-02T04:30:37Z

you said you'd wanna be a wife// you said you liked the taste of my tongue,
maybe then you'd see// and please forgive this face of mine,
maybe then live my life// and i'll forget this space and time

but i'll find my way home// and I've said goodbye too many times
there's no need for you to// to be found at your door,
say you love me anymore//

and I'll face the fact
it's not my will to bleed,
and I won't keep score

clerk2 @ 2006-07-06T20:20:00

2006-07-07T02:32:53Z

and Sara thinks she's died here once before
she's crazy
a pop-up book of flowers from grade 4
are driving her insane
no-one knows why
she's sad tonight
no-one can help her find

another brick
another window frames the confusion
her garden blooms but Sara can't see straight
she's drinking herself blind
no-one knows why
she's stares outside
no-one can help her fight

She never admitted, she never considered
That she always means better
She's wasting all our time

Crying, she couldn't afford the view
Crying, these automatic flowers won't do

-OLP

clerk2 @ 2006-06-24T11:25:00

2006-06-24T17:25:26Z

Why do people run from Sarah?

You can do the moonwalk forwards

'Why do people run from you?' at QuizGalaxy.com

poof...gone

2006-03-18T01:38:32Z

Sara builds yet another wall instead of a bridge.
How original.

clerk2 @ 2006-03-14T16:21:00

2006-03-14T23:23:07Z

"...you've got to cry without weeping,
talk without speaking,
scream without raising your voice..."

The good news is that the tamagotchi is still alive...

2006-03-01T05:35:13Z

I hope she held her stomach as she cried in her kitchen.
I hope that the tears were so mixed with pain and frustration that she wasn't sure if she should strike out or strike herself.
I hope the pain in her was too much to take as she lie awake night after night.
I hope her hair turned grey sooner than it should.
I hope she knew the pain she inflicted and just how wrong it was.
I hope she knows that she raised me right and strong and perfect, just how she wanted.
and now my stomach will writhe in pain as I cry myself to sleep,
now I will choose to strike myself instead of afflicting others,
now I will be right at all costs, even if never giving myself the opportunity to be wrong means failing,
and now I will give until it all goes away.
Perfect, strong, silent.
With any luck at all she will suffer depression and ulcers at age 10.
With any luck she will start to open her skin to free her demons at 14,
With any luck by the time she's 18 she'll see that the only way out is to die.
Perfect, strong, silent.
There is nothing on this earth that can change or redeem me, but without me there is hope of survival and freedom.
Without me she'll never know what it's like to be strong and silent while those around her weep and fall.
She'll never know the pain of generations of apathy between mothers and daughters.
Without me she'll be left to discover new pains for herself.
Without me she'll be left alone to fight.
Sometimes every drop of pain, shame, guilt, blood and tears is worth knowing that she'll have someone to blame, beat, kick, thank, hug and write about.
This Tuesday night pity party is for you Darbs, cause every night I cry after you are in bed and every night I fear that you become more like me.
I love you so much. Please take the best in me and run with you. Never stop.

Take 5 to read this.

2006-02-03T00:58:10Z

Mr. T died today. or last night. I don't really know how long he was sitting in there dying.
I'm sad. Really sad.
He was only a turtle, but he was cool and tough.
I will miss him a lot.
Please take a moment to remember mr.t.

more blathering, pass by and take no note of me...

2006-01-18T22:31:07Z

Tell me one more time about all those things that I should know by now.
Tell me again why existing just isn't enough.
Remind me how valuable this growth is, how merely being alive one more day is not sufficient for change.

Expose the ignorance that lies beneath this skin, ask of me an something that I can not defend. I will learn. You will learn. Your questions bring to light the foundation you hold, and as I judge your foundation, you judge my answers. And so I will fit neatly into the box you have prepared for me, as you will fit neatly into the one I have for you. We try to escape it, but it is how we learn, how we cope, and how we make sense of everything around us. I heard the term 'objective' today used in many different ways...though I wonder if they are all that different really. It confuses me to talk of knowings things as they truly are outside of me when I can not escape myself. But if I assert that I hold no value to an objective truth then I must admit that the only way of knowing is within myself. The catch is, I don't know who I am or where I begin. If there is no one truth, then what do I believe and why? So I use people. I soak them up and take what I want. I guess somewhere I believe that one day I'll be able to sort out where I begin through negation. No, I think I do this everyday. Ignorance. And so it begins, my questions for the day...
Do I need to legitimate my beliefs through others? Yes, often consciously so.
Do I need to distance people so as to remain different? Yes, I'm not like them, they are not like me.
Do I need to be the same as others so as to fit in? Yes, we are the same, but I'm not like them.
Would it suffice to be, not the same or different, but equal? No. Equality is not something I have thought a lot about, but it strikes me as a term that is used much too often as a concept that by nature it can not hold to. I'll put that in my thinking cap for now.
Different but the same, yet not equal. Individual but not unique?

I started this thought more than a little pissy about how much I've yet to learn. Isn't it interesting that I call that ignorance? If I was truly ignorant how could I possibly know that I don't know? Sheesh, but I feel like I just don't know. I crave knowing, but fear that knowing only results in a form of not knowing...is there an end? is it a circle? is knowing all relative to the subject? and if so, why aren't we more egocentric? Are we all that egocentric? How many people do you know that really believe that they know everything they want to know. They are experts in their lives. I wonder what I would do if these questions stopped. This makes no sense, I (apparently) need to take a walk and smell some flowers...or something...
Happy Wednesday.

so cruel - u2...dedicated to my new shiny

2006-01-17T04:58:35Z

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot

clerk2 @ 2006-01-16T19:32:00

2006-01-17T02:44:24Z

My kids are upstairs playing in the closet. How ironic.
giggle, giggle, SMASH! BANG! "ow my head..."

I'm mad at myself. I know how badly I need to improve, and I know what I need to do.
I just don't. I just don't.
Lazy. Busy.
I've never been so busy.
I don't mind it though. I quite like it.
I have this whole life now, and I love every part of it. I don't wanna be anywhere else.
Yes, it's busy and hard. Yes, there are times when I need to come down and have my space.
But...it's awesome.
Today has been hard. I am extremely pissy, like it hurts all my inside parts to keep it there.
My throat hurts.
The wedding looms.
Homework begins.
Kids run wild.
My saving grace is my hugs, my nights and my sunshiny mornings...
It's gonna be okay...in the very, very end of things.
Congratulations and Happy Monday.

clerk2 @ 2006-01-02T11:45:00

2006-01-02T20:37:19Z

There must have been a time and space that was mine. Age is the only thing that tells me for sure. But what have I done? Where have I been? I'm not really sure...there isn't much I can be sure of. Where do I begin?
Let us assume that life experience holds a direct relation with years of life. Where does memory come in? Is life experience merely a function of memory? hmmm...vice versa?
Maybe it's not that I've forgotten my life, maybe it's just that I've never really lived. Wait. Eye-witnesses tell me different. Shit. I suppose that leaves me still here with what little past others offer me and what ever I construct to begin a new day. Yet, I make choices. I weigh options, consequences and often struggle with morality. Surely this is evidence of lessons from the past. For example, I know that if I choose to drink a case of beer tonight I will be hungover tomorrow. This I have learned from previous imbibing. Or have I? Consequences and morality seem to be as constructed as the house next door. Do I only know what I know from society? Maybe my experiences are simple reactions to how I should act. How do I know how I should act? Consequences assumed natural because they aren't questioned. I will drink my case of beer and doubt the hangover. I will relish in the haze that dillutes all self-doubt. Maybe one day I will jump and won't fall. Maybe one day natural and normal will be swear words. Without too much wallowing, my point is...am I building a true me? am I a true me? am I building at all? am I a being unknowingly following a set of prescriptions set forth before me? do I really have a say in who I am? If experience is a function of age, and memory reminds you your experience, what do you become without your past?
1. Yes, I exist.
2. Yes, I have a past.
3. No one is responsible for me, except me.
3. Owning my past gives me permission to own myself.
I know it's not completely logical, but it kinda makes sense to me.

Growing up I was faced with a 'serve god or die in the end' ultimatum. The way I see it, we're all dead anyway. If you don't believe in god, this life is all you have, you will die. If you believe in god, you will struggle with yourself to be good in god's eyes. This is a conflict you will never win because in god's eyes you are never right. A struggle within yourself means you have not submitted to god adequately. If you completely submit to god you have forgotten yourself, you are dead. If you don't submit to god you are dead anyway.
These were my guiding thoughts for a long time. Why struggle when you can just get it over with and die now? Why not close your eyes and never have to worry again. You will find that if you choose death it will also be a struggle for you. Life is not an easy thing to let go of. The only thing that may be somewhat comforting is that there is no need to torture yourself about what kind of decision you have made...cause youre dead, silly. (my main assumption being that dead=not alive, no senses, no perception, no body function, no soul function...simply a material body that slowly decays and a soul that may or may not be remembered. NOT ALIVE)
So why is life so hard to let go of? What holds us here and makes us wake up every morning to face a new day?
Belief.
What do you believe? Why?
I don't think that belief is irreducable, but I do think that without belief we would not be able to choose life.
What comes before belief? Power?
I often thought that the most basic principles that shaped people were beliefs in god and sex.
Sex and god seemed to shape lives. But how? Power?
What if I don't want a governing hand held about me? If I get to choose life for this day, then I want the right to be responsible for my own life. (I confess a gratitude for being able to pose these questions at all)
It amazes me that so many people choose to not be a source of power unto themselves.
It amazes me that I can speak of this power yet have no idea how to love myself.
Indeed my 'greatest fear is that I'm powerful beyond measure.'

Despite my best efforts to think myself into a black hole, I'm still here. I'm tired now though.
I remind so many people of the way they used to be. This is not helpful. But it is a little reassuring. I have the most amazing people in my life...if I get to be even a little of what they are I will be the sun and the moon.

In the very end of things, what really matters? Will it be that I have a coherent set of beliefs? Or will it be that something inside of me glows when I think of tomorrow or the next day?

I'd sure like to hang on to myself, I'd sure like to let myself go.
I'd like to fly high or walk the ground as I choose.
I want to throw the first punch and run the last mile.
This is the part where I bleed for a bit and let introspection take hold of me.
Too bad, so sad.
Neener.
I'm going to masturbate.

clerk2 @ 2005-12-30T15:03:00

2005-12-30T22:04:13Z

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet pony

2) Eat more Twizzlers

3) Travel to Italy

4) Study cannibal cultures

5) Get in shape with bowling

What Should Your New Year's Resoluton Be?

clerk2 @ 2005-12-24T21:54:00

2005-12-25T04:54:23Z

Merry Ho-Ho everyone.
I love you. so much.

clerk2 @ 2005-12-15T21:12:00

2005-12-16T04:22:15Z

Yes, it's true that I believe, I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve, and I forget the rest of me
Yes, there's times I've been afraid, and there's no harm in that I pray
'cause I'm more frightened everyday, someone will take the hope I have away

But you've got to give it up to get off sometimes
you've got to give it up to get off sometimes

I know.

You better stop.
Stop
stop.

Cause I'm ready to forget the reasons keeping me here.

clerk2 @ 2005-12-09T11:59:00

2005-12-09T19:00:30Z

Slim, I'm so glad you are using LJ more...I don't get enough of you. It's so nice to be able to turn on my puter in the morning and see your ramblings, even if little bits of stolen thoughts pasted. Yeah, that's it...I just miss you.

clerk2 @ 2005-12-09T11:52:00

2005-12-09T18:59:00Z

Go to your music player of choice and put it all on shuffle. Say the
following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song
title as the answer to the question.

What do you think of me?
Porch - Pearl Jam

Will I have a happy life?
Sing for the Moment - Eminem

What do my friends really think of me?
Tryin to throw your arms around the world - U2

Do people secretly lust after me?
Blaze of Glory - Bon Jovi

How can I make myself happy?
Take another little piece of my heart - Janis Joplin

What should I do with my life?
Breathe - Greenwheel

Why must life be so full of pain?
Angel's Eyes - Jeff Healey

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Luv me, Luv Me - Shaggy

Can you give me some advice?
Closing Time - Semisonic

What do you think happiness is?
You Raise Me Up - Josh Groban

woooooohooooooooooo

2005-12-09T18:50:12Z

Androgynous

You scored 63 masculinity and 50 femininity!

You scored high on both masculinity and femininity. You have a strong personality exhibiting characteristics of both traditional sex roles.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 51% on masculinity
You scored higher than 23% on femininity

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

clerk2 @ 2005-12-08T10:53:00

2005-12-08T17:53:31Z

Your 2005 Song Is

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz

"Love forever love is free.
Let's turn forever you and me."

In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

clerk2 @ 2005-12-06T21:12:00

2005-12-07T04:13:15Z

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperment Are You?

clerk2 @ 2005-12-05T13:20:00

2005-12-05T20:35:54Z

stolen from chaivy

Step One

- Make a post to your LJ with a list of ten holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and interest-related ("I'd love a icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for new stamp sets") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

- Surf around your LJ to see who has posted a list. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

- You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy.

- There are no guarantees with this project, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

1. a blender
2. a chocolate orange
3. SHOW: a night in the life of matchbox20 dvd
4. a slow dance
5. an off switch
6. pop rocks
7. a reading buddy for Darby
8. a lunar calendar
9. more good times with my BDGF (cheers Slim)
10. time with no other commitment but to be with you

That paper won't write itself young lady!!

2005-12-01T04:07:50Z

I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but the more I read about it, the more I want to know for me...screw the paper, lmao.
So a quick thought on what has my attention today is my commitment to 'come out'. I've often thought about it, and the thing that held me back was that I didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone. What I mean by that is, it's my business...no one ever comes up to me and says "hi, how are you today? btw, I like to sleep with men, women, dead horses etc." Why should I have to inform anyone about who I love, care about, and enjoy? It seems to me that there is some unspoken rule that it is just polite and considerate to tell people you are 'not straight'. This sucks. I do not want to fit into a straight world, I do not want equality in what they/we call normal. I just want to be me, just me.
For the record, it's not just now that i'm pissy about this conformity. Last year, my brother asked me to write a letter to his religious organization, admitting my 'sin' and asking to be removed from any affiliation with them. I considered it, it made sense to me at the time. I could be 'out' to everyone in the organization in one shot, and at the same time be forever rid of my involvement with them. Why would I want to be considered a part of an organization that hated me for who I was...erm..I mean for my 'sins'. I wrote the letter, then I ripped it up. Sending in that letter meant I was playing by their rules. They needed me to do it to make sure I was 'dealt with' according to how their little world was constructed. Bastards. I quit. For real. I will not write them, I will not talk to them. I want no part of them or their 'rules' anymore.
Which brings me to 'coming out'. I understand that it is important to accept who you are, blah, blah...but I still think that an official 'this is who i am' is a little...disgusting...or something.
That being said, I will (and often do) shock people, especially family. I do not want the way I live my life to be just another form of shocking them. (THe obvious understatement being that it's gonna happen anyway, SAra, get used to it.) But I do believe that if you harbour information that could potentially upset someone, you have a duty to at least prepare them for that. Hmmm...or do i? Let's think about this some more.
People will believe whatever they want to believe. People will also find whatever they are looking for in any given situation. People will love me, People will not accept me. Can I really expect to have any influence on the opinions and feelings of others that are a result of who I am? Isn't there a fine moral line between offending someones sensibilities and outright assaulting someones beliefs. I have no intent or desire to do either, but it inevitably will be construed as such.
*sigh* Have I gone in a big circle yet?
I want people to see that I'm happy being me and finding me. I want people to see me loved and taken care of in ways that they never could fathom with their tunnel-visioned superiority. I believe that I can do that, and I believe that people will see it.
So what am I missing?
In fact, what am I fighting? I don't understand why it's a big deal to me. If it was a matter of pride, I could scream from the rooftops, 'LOOK AT ME!', it's been done even. For real.
All this time I thought I'd never commit to a fight, because for me believing in something starts from the core. I can not and will not assume beliefs that I can't defend, and this leaves me stranded...will I ever know enough to defend my underlying assumptions? Probably not. So why fight?
The simple answer is because it's important. Change is only change because of conflict.
I say again, what am I fighting?
Does anyone know? I'm looking for a reason.
I clearly have the fire, I clearly have the will and the fight.
Do I trust myself to follow my lead until I find it?

headstrong boy next door

2005-11-30T21:21:12Z

Hey man, I don't wanna hear about love no more
I don't wanna talk about how I feel
I don't really wanna be me no, no more
Dressed down, now I look a little too 'boy next door'
Maybe I should try to find a downtown whore that'll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

Hey man, play another one of those heartbreak songs
Tell another story how things go wrong, and they never get back
My pain is a platinum stack, take that shit back
You don't wanna be me when it all goes wrong
You don't wanna see me with the house lights on
I'm a little too headstrong, stand tall, I don't wanna get walked on

I can't stand what I'm starting to be
No, i can't stand the people that I'm starting to need
There's so much now that can go wrong
And I don't need nobody trying to help it along
It's the same old song,
Everybody says you've been away too long
Everybody wanna tell you what went wrong
Gonna make you like an icon...'till you believe they're right

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something,
Something to be

clerk2 @ 2005-11-25T14:59:00

2005-11-25T22:32:32Z

I am a 28 year old woman. I am responsible, caring, kind, intelligent, funny, sexual and independent. I care for my friends as they would do for me. I like change, spontaneity, and security. I want more than I need, and I love more often than my head tells me I should. I start things without finishing them, and I often finish things just out of spite. I make life altering decisions every day and act more often than is 'necessary'. I rail and rage, I drink and ignore. I subdue myself with fear of failure. I don't challenge myself so I have no standard to disappoint. I dare myself because somehow a dare sets no standard at all. When did it become okay to not be me? At what point exactly did I accept that I don't matter? Somehow I've created an elaborate scheme to keep everyone, including me, away from me. How is it working? Times call for humor, times call for rational discussion, times call for ignorance, times call for questions...which face would you like to see? Each one is me, but I am not them. The whole is never just the sum of it's parts. I need to stand tall and be heard. I need you to hold me while I cry. You see, I am something that I deserve. And what is more, I am valuable. To that end, why do I still live in fear? If I start to shine will it be on a dare? Sometimes I want to cut myself just to see if it still doesn't hurt, if it still bleeds...have I changed? Once I tested that. It wasn't any different. I was ashamed and scared. Maybe I still am. Which reminds me, I read somewhere that Einstein said that the definition of stupidity is doing something over and over again, and expecting a different result. I am not stupid, I know that. For real. I do wonder if this line of thought can be continued without delving into psychology or any other such diagnostic theory. The fact is, the only change I have made is that I've listened to me on the inside...and that has made all the difference. I say again, watch me go.

clerk2 @ 2005-11-25T10:48:00

2005-11-25T19:11:50Z

Today I looked her in the eye and heard my voice out loud. Such a strange voice. Not as little or weak as I imagine it to be, but full of apprehension. It was excited at the chance to say something out loud, but found itself wondering if it really should be speaking. Waiting for the backlash? Waiting for the correction? Waiting for the approval of others? Whatever it was, she looked at me and finished my thought, expanded it to general theory and thanked me for my two cents. Relief. Embarrassment. Endorphins. Release. Watch me go.